


Aca-scuse me?

by Jayenator565



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Don’t copy to another site, F/F, Fluff, Funny, Humor, Pitch Perfect 2 au, fun bit of fluff, riff-off
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-19 21:03:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17608940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jayenator565/pseuds/Jayenator565
Summary: Its time for the annual Riff-Off and the tension between long-standing rivals, Polaris and the Delinquents is palpable. Not to be outshone the Ice Vocals and Ark Council, as well as the Flower Grounders, have also entered the fray. Can Polaris pull out the victory? Or will the team captain, Lexa Woods turn into a gay disaster the moment she lays eyes on the leader of the Delinquents, Clarke Griffin? Really is that even a question?Blue meets green but this is hardly the first time, and Clarke has a feeling it won't be the last.





	Aca-scuse me?

**Author's Note:**

> The Pitch Perfect au literally no one asked for but I'm posting anyway!

“Is this the right address?” 

 

“I mean...I think so, it says it is according to Google maps.”

 

“Yeah but the last time we trusted you with Google maps we ended up in the wrong state!" Anya was beyond exasperated and the competition hadn't even begun.

"In my defense DC, Maryland and Virginia are like really freaking close together and-!"

 

"-remind me again why we let Tris be the one to direct us here.”

 

“That’s enough Anya,” Lexa rolled her eyes, honestly they were already cutting it close and she absolutely hated to be late. Walking up to the front of the porch of the lavishly large house she knocked as directed three times. 

 

The lower slit that was supposed to be used for mail opened up, much to their surprise, only showing a pair of unassuming lips with blood red lipstick. An almost somehow sassy yet robotic voice greeted them, “Password?”

 

Clearing her throat Lexa looked down to read the card that was anonymously delivered to their house, “Um fart noise?”

 

They watched as the pair of lips seemed to be pushed away from the door to be replaced by another identical pair, this one, however, was much more of a 10 on the sass-o-meter, “People did you not see the parentheses?”

 

Rolling her eyes Lexa brought her mouth to the cloth of her emerald colored long sleeve V neck and pursed her lips before blowing out loudly.

 

“There we go!” the lips disappeared followed by a series of what sounded like mechanical locks opening before the door swung backward leaving them to be greeted by a pair of identical twins.

 

It was immediately obvious which was the first pair of lips and which was the second simply because Thing two wore a large smile while Thing one’s face seemed as bland as a sliced loaf of plain bread.

 

The second one eagerly stepped forward clapping her hands in excitement, “Polaris! Oh, we are so glad you all came, my name is Becca come on in, don’t be shy!”

 

As they crossed the threshold their host moved forward to hug Tris and Aden but fell short at Anya’s glare and resigned herself to simply smiling at the rest of them. Lincoln gave their host a sheepish grin but there wasn’t much else to do considering that Anya really wasn’t a hugger. Their kru were instantly stunned by the enormous sparkling staircase, shinning chandelier, and golden sculptures. Talk about the lap of luxury because Lexa was pretty sure they were sitting in it.

 

Apparently, though their host’s sister was having none of their dawdling, “We have to get going downstairs you all are already late.” she informed them in a clipped tone. Option A walked past not sparing anyone a backward glance and Becca smiled apologetically, “Sorry about Alie, she’s just really eager, she is the biggest fan of what you all do.”

 

“Yeah we can tell,” Tris murmured sarcastically 

 

Indra crossed her arms, largely unbothered by tweedle-dee’s rather rude mannerisms but was still suspicious of this whole ‘event’, and she had told Lexa as much on their way over, “And what exactly is it that we are apparently late for?” 

 

Becca ushered them forward as she explained, “Well you see ladies _and_ gents,” she added on for Lincoln, Gustus, and Aden, “this is the big time.” Arriving at a door she opened it to a large set of stairs and they could vaguely make out what seemed like a large number of people talking.  

 

Tris was very much on Indra’s side in this matter, who dropped off a random piece of mail with nothing but an address and a password? She’s pretty sure she watched this same situation play out as the beginning to one of those Saw movies and she was not about to be the stupid unnamed girl that heard a weird noise from the creepy attic that had been abandoned for years and decided to ‘check it out’ just in case her friend had somehow levitated to the third floor in search of god knows what right when the all the power in the house mysteriously went out, “Just know ladies if you try anything dodgy I am an expert in jujitsu, and Anya knows lez-wondo, it’s just like taekwondo but gayer,  _ plus  _ I have a knife hidden in my ponytail and if I cough hard enough a pair of nunchucks  _ may  _ appear just FYI.”

 

Aden nudged his fellow freshman trying to retain his grin while Anya was starting to think that maybe Tris had been spending too much time around Lexa when she was trying to be intimidating. Emphasis on the trying. Needless to say, Lexa was never really good at trading insults and she only ever looked intimidating when she had her warpaint on and they were onstage.

 

Considering the size of the house it probably should have been less surprising that as they rounded the corner at the landing of the stairs and as Anya descended just a step behind their hostesses there was a giant basement area filled with people talking and drinking. It was at least two stories in height and easily triple the size of her first apartment. Scanning the room meticulously she couldn’t help but spot some familiar faces in the crowd, “The Ice Vocals were invited to whatever this is too!?” 

 

Her team was instantly on alert until Lincoln whispered into Lexa’s ear, “The Delinquents at two o’clock.” 

 

Reaching the ground floor Lexa zeroed in on the blonde hair of her greatest nemesis. Griffin. She was suddenly glad for the enormous heels Anya forced her into, it gave her the height advantage at least.

 

With the dramatic red lighting and the noise and conversations going on around them, it was Octavia that saw their approach first and immediately grinned, “Oh is it time for another verbal beatdown? 'Fraid we don’t have you down on our schedule but I guess we can make this quick.” She said just loudly enough for her friends to overhear.

 

Green met blue

 

And all bets were suddenly off the table as Lexa lost every thought going through her head and her knees locked in place. Towering over them all Gustus stepped forward, “Tiny mice we meet again.”

 

Clarke smirked, a hint of her teeth peeking out from under those lips that Lexa was willing to bet were blessed by Aphrodite herself and damn that smirk was really doing things to her that was not altogether appropriate for a public setting.

 

The leader of their rivals handed off her drink to Beluga or whatever the heck Octavia’s brother was called, she knew it was definitely a B something, and spoke, “So, have you all finally abandoned your foolish plans to face us at the Worlds?” her eyes never left Lexa’s own piercing gaze.

 

As leader of their little kru Lexa finally shook herself out of her thoughts enough to regain some control of her faculties, “I bet you wish we had you gorgeous specimen.”

 

At those words, Clarke was full on grinning while Lexa’s team collectively facepalmed. Really after four years, she was still awful at smack talking. 

 

_ ~Freshman year~ _

 

Honestly, she couldn't remember why they had started smack talking in the first place, something about one team being better than the next clearly, the specifics were a bit sketchy but between Raven Reyes and Clarke Griffin how could she not respond.

 

_ The pre-med student sneered at them in a good ole’ opposing university rivalry kind of way, “Your team is like a... How do you say that?” _

_  
_ _ “A heated mess,” Octavia supplied _

 

_ “Right,” Raven agreed, “You know, a mess where heat is applied to it, so what once was a little messy is now even messier.” _

 

_ By now Lexa was more than agitated as it had been going on for a little over ten minutes, “We are gonna kick your collective asses!” _

 

_ Clarke mock gasped, “Are you sure you need to kick all of our asses? I must say I like mine just the way it is.” And of course the poor poli sci major couldn’t resist drawing her eyes down to confirm that yes indeed that was a grade A booty, 12 out of 10 even, just top shelf, solid 5 star rating on Yelp. _

 

_ Thankfully Octavia’s voice brought her back to the present before she could fully get sucked into the black hole of gayness she was currently tumbling towards. _

 

_ “You’re so tiny, how could you even possibly kick our asses?” Ok so yes Lexa may have taken a few advanced classes and she may be the youngest in her year at 18 and ok maybe she was also a bit of a late bloomer but according to her dad that was just a normal Woods family thing. Nevermind her brother Lincoln was already built like a fucking truck. His body was literally just one giant bulge of muscle once he went through puberty. _

 

_ She was still a bit awkward with her limbs and all but, her dad had assured her she still had a few more inches and hey maybe joining Lincoln at the gym wasn’t the worst idea for this first year of university. She would probably take him up on it. _

 

_ “I can totally kick your asses.” she responded with a huff, maybe just after a few weeks of Lincoln as her personal trainer _

 

_ Raven guffawed, the girl was probably as petite as she was but damn she could see her biceps clearly from her form-fitting t-shirt, “You kick our asses? You’re tinier than Peter Pan’s fairy.” _

 

_ Clarke giggled teasingly, eyes full of warmth, checking to be sure none of them went over the line of playful banter, “She’s more like a sprite I think.” _

 

_ Not that Lexa would have noticed. Nope. One giggle and she was gone. Like ok, wow, that was no ordinary giggle. It was filled with rainbows and sunshine and the weightlessness that came with floating in a nice quiet pool or river, just you and nature. So, of course, Lexa could hardly be blamed for her response given how unprepared she was for the quiet melodic and raspy laughter like freaking wind chimes or angels had decided to take up residence in Clarke Griffin’s vocal chords at that exact moment. _

 

_ “Oh yeah?”, she said making sure to look Clarke right in the eyes, “Well-well you are just….physically flawless!”  _

 

_ From beside her where Lincoln and Indra were having their own verbal trade-off with the presidents of the other team, they both balked and turned to gawk at Lexa, who despite her reddening face had a pretty good stoic expression going on. Or at least she would like to think so. Luckily or unluckily enough her outburst had also left The Delinquents team speechless as well allowing her tirade to continue. _

 

_ “N-not that that means anything because we are not scared! We’re totally gonna beat you at Regionals and just because you-” she gestured firmly at Clarke, “are spontaneously helping me reaffirm my sexuality does not mean that you are intimidating.  We have nothing to lose. We have literally nothing!” _

 

~Present~

 

Ok and so maybe Anya had to pull her aside after that and explain to her how calling their opponent physically flawless and stunning and a refreshing glass of the purest cup of water found in a post-apocalyptic desert wasteland, wasn’t quite what smack talking was. Two years later and she still hadn’t quite gotten the hang of it. Needless to say Clarke had kind of been her big gay awakening, not that she was particularly into dating before, it had never really clicked for her before that despite the fact that she hated boys in a romantic sense she still had the option of girls open. Better late than never her dad always said.  

 

Though that one time at the Halloween party where she decided to awaken her inner MC or rather lack of one still haunted Lexa to this day. Probably because Anya actually got to capture her in all her glory on video. Clarke saying she looked hot in her vampire costume certainly didn’t help the situation.

 

_ ~Halloween Freshman Year~ _

 

_ If there was one festive time of the year Lexa loved it would definitely be Halloween. What was not to love? The dreadful heat of summer had ended, her favorite movies were back on and her dad’s pumpkin cupcakes were to die for. This year was only made better by the fact that her university friends seemed to like the occasion as much as she did.  _

 

_ In fact, before September had even ended Anya had been hanging cobwebs and all manner of creepy and spooky decorations around the Bella house. She'd even gone so far as to invite some of their rivals and classmates to a pre-Halloween bash, or as she liked to call it, All Hallows Thieves, because, and she's quoting Anya directly on this one, they intended to drink so much that it robbed them of their sensibilities. Even Anya had to admit it wasn't her best but hey, there were only so many things that rhymed with Eve and could make even a tiny bit of seense in that scenario.  _

 

_ The drinks didn't help in the slightest. Neither did the Clarkeoke machine. Needless to say after watching Clarke impeccably rap No Diggity while dressed  like her childhood crush, Xena the Warrior freaking Princess not only did Lexa forget all the words to the song she was supposed to be doing for Clarkeoke, nevermind the fact that the lyrics were literally on a screen in front of her as well as projected behind her, she proceeded to ad lib if you will. That's right. She made up a completely new song out of thin air that did not come close to being in beat with the power ballad she was supposed to be belting in an attempt to 'woo the girl' as Lincoln had put it. As the ever iconic notes for Somebody to Love by Queen continued on in the background Lexa, aptly dressed as her favorite vampire carmilla, proceeded to bust her own rhyme. _

 

_ “I’m a vampire, a straight up V. I’ll guzzle you down like a blood slurpe-e. Local gangs, you think you're tough? Well  I sleep in a crypt and I drink all the blood. You got 99 problems? Well, I got none. So drop your stakes cause I’ll raise you some. I’m a creature of the night, I sleep during the day and oh did I mention I’m also pretty gay.” _

 

~Present~

 

“Okay, so I’m a mess.” she nodded to herself, seemed about right.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this or at least get a bit of a smile from my weird attempts at humor. I'll see about working on chapter 2 this weekend. 
> 
> I was not planning on posting this until it was done but the blarkes just keep blarking and putting blatantly homophobic fics into our clexa tag. How long has Lexa been physically off the show now? Yet they still won't leave us alone. I'm beyond angry but I won't get into that here you can check my tumblr if you really wanna know but trigger warning: it includes some mentions of r*pe.


End file.
